A writing to B (IV)
I'm very well, very well indeed. I share your thoughts that no matter how I feel, there is no escaping the truth that God loves me and I'm no longer performing or trying to prove something with Him. When I do something good that I ought to do, I know it's because God's love has moved me to do it. When I can't bring myself to do something good that I ought to do, I know I'm in a sorry state and that God loves me no less. I'm just me before God and there's nothing I can do to change His mind about me. Isn't God amazing!
...You are right, we can't even hope to urge others on when we ourselves are unmoved by what we're supposed to do. I guess our desire for God is our only testimony for Jesus as the desire evolves into actions that mark the worth of our lives. And that I'm lacking, so I'm asking.
I wish to tell you something on the side. I saw some pictures of the girl I lost to another guy which I remember telling you about. I haven't seen her for at least a year or two now and amazingly seeing those pictures (one taken with her husband) made me laugh out of a kind of peculiar joy. It was similar to Lewis' analogy of two opposing soldiers killing each other off in battlefield at the same instance and then finding themselves laughing their silly act off together when they see each other again in the afterlife - you know, that kind of laughs. I can't put words to it, but it was relieving. Honestly I still feel a sort of fondness towards her, but it's different now. Sort of a transcendence. And [C] - she's beginning to become that way for me, too. It's a little bit scary as far as worldly prospect goes. But it just doesn't matter now. I'm looking for more. And I'm going to God for that, B, hopeless and miserable as I am.
More of Him for you,