Monday, January 26, 2004

First dream of her

It's never a good sign when you get to see it first in your dreams.

Bright of day. The two of you were perching on stools in the corner of a glass-walled café. She listened pleasantly to your whispered sweetnothings, her eyes sparkled with bliss. Before long you proposed the possibility of a relationship as effortlessly as dreams go. She leaned forward and your lips met.

They parted and met again... and you woke up no sooner than the third time they parted and met.

How are you going to live with yourself now?

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Descendants of Atlantis

Granny called this morning and told mum that Aunt K and Uncle F just had a fight over Uncle F's affair with a younger woman who works in his shop. Uncle F has just closed down one of his two shops after failing to settle his business debts that went out of hand. He sold one of his two cars and both my Uncle Q and Uncle J who had worked for him for years had to be laid off after Uncle F ended his business. This morning Uncle F was planning to bring the woman home for new year's eve dinner with the family. Naturally Aunt K called granny and cried over the phone at his decision.

On the way to granny's house tonight you felt a serious loss of heart as the topic was brought up again in mum and dad's conversation. Aunt K and Uncle F have been peacefully married (at least it seemed like it) for more than twenty years, but that didn't stop something like this from happening. One misstep seems to be all it takes to ruin a happy marriage. Your concern was what this family tragedy would do to the kids. What do children have to defend themselves from the odds that are so cunningly set up against them? How do we convince ourselves that the misfortune that befell our parents won't befall us?

You think Uncle F is setting himself up for a harder fall as he greets the affair head on. Funny you couldn't help but relate his unfolding calamity to yourself. Outwardly you and Uncle F are two completely distinct sorts. Your age bracket, marital status, life experience, temperament, particular likes and dislikes. But there is something inescapable that the both of you - in fact every man - share... The masculine heart.

Though we never found it.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

What on earth happened?

You wrote her many letters over the past year or so. The absence of a response to those letters has led you to believe that she hasn't read any of them. How else could anyone explain the dead silence? Indifference is certainly not an option if she had read what you have to say. It's inconceivable to think that such a vigorous outpour of one's heart and soul, even anonymously, could not earn at the very least an expression of reciprocal feelings.

Maybe that's all you're hoping for. Something in return. Somehow that seemed to be the furthest you're willing to go for her. You're willing to love her as long as you won't have to risk losing anything in the process - even the prospect of losing her.

What happened, Adam?

Thursday, January 01, 2004

Happy New Year

Everyone's looking for something. Always. Always looking.

There hasn't been a time when they weren't looking. There hasn't been a time when they stopped since.

People have sought and gained and then lost and yet kept on seeking ever since they first discovered the masochistic pleasures of want.

You never know what it's like to have gained. So you cannot know what it's like to have lost.

Only to have sought. And here's the thing: You thought you have stopped seeking.

You thought wrong.