Saturday, February 19, 2005

A writing to B

Hi B,

Yes we've been trying to manipulate God. And I'm all the more guilty of that.

I'm driven to a point where I can no longer choose. God has suddenly opened up opportunities for me to pursue the things I've always thought He has put on hold for a long time, but at the same time I'm shown that none of them is going to get me where I want to be. Despite what I believed they're not what I desire, they're only my desire-substitutes. All I want and ever need cannot be found in this life. Nothing I pursue in this life is ever going to be enough. None of them will ever last. I need to be with Him. I need to be a part of Him. I need Him. Even now I need Him. I'm not so sure if I want Him, but I know I NEED Him.

I've been listening to people talking. All day long people've been talking about money and success and dreams and plans and even serving God. How much sense they make, and how persuasive - even noble. But how sad that none of us can hear what they're really saying. I didn't realize it, but listening to them is suicide. Once I take what people say seriously and consider their options, I'm killing that part in me that wants nothing this world has to offer. Once I believe them I slowly become them.

You're right. Trying to be a "better Christian" cannot save us. We've tried for all the wrong reasons. I, too, know what I must do, but I just haven't the courage nor the desire to do it. If I ever do it at all it's only Him that's doing it in me. God's operating in me on a deficit. I've long since exhausted my abilities for it. Sin has worn me flat out.

B you know how for a while now... C has been competing with God for first place in my heart. Though I can't see God climbing the charts it seems that [C]'s dropping off. And so are my other dubious pursuits... I have nothing left to fall back on. I'm cornered.

He's got me. But unlike you I can't say I'm joyful. 'Cause I don't think I've surrendered yet. I'm still miserable. I'm still stubborn. I'm a stubborn and miserable wreck who's forgotten how to be thankful or repentant. Still He's got me. And this time He's got me good.



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