Friday, March 21, 2008

Story of my life

Do you have any regrets in life? That's what I found myself answering today when I was caught in the Simba-and-Rafiki moment as I was pulling up some fond cases from the memory file.

"Yes...?" said Simba.

"Try again!" replied the nosy Baboon in me.

"Well... no?"

"And why not?" asked the monkey as he invited me to stoop low and watch him form ripples on the water's surface with his ugly index finger.

In an enlightening moment an answer came...

"No..." this time the monkey gave me time to finish my thought, "no I don't have any regrets in life..." and he waited still... "Only pity."

That's when the pesky monkey disappeared.

So what's with that? It took me a while but I finally figured out what the simian was trying to say. He wanted me to know for sure that I haven't been living with regrets. But on the other hand there is pity, which may look just like the same thing as regrets but is not.

I haven't a regret in my life, because I eliminated them along the way as best I could.

But I'll always have pity, because hard as I tried, I could never make someone love me.

So there you have it, the story of my life; a life with pity but no regrets.



Anonymous shay said...

hmm, it's not pity. Hard to make someone to love you? How many tries you make? One? I am sure there's someone out there, waiting for your hello. Maybe, believe it or not, you have not tried hard enough or that many. I might be wrong, do correct me but the story of your life just begin. Now as the profound writer, what will you write to this next chapter of "Story of my life"? :)

March 28, 2008 5:04 PM  
Blogger Tin Soldier said...

Dear Shay,

Sometimes once is all it takes to seal your fate. Don't get me wrong if you think I'm lamenting. I was merely summing up my life story so far in a peaceful and hopefully constructive manner.

As for the popular "someone somewhere" theory of love, I don't think I'm buying it. Anyway it's complex enough to love someone in the here and now.

March 29, 2008 11:34 AM  
Anonymous shay said...

What are you buying then? You have set it that once is all it takes to seal your fate(maybe). I know you just merely sum your life story as of now, I was just doing my casual hit and run "hello". :)

Believe is not easy. It's like going to this place once and came back from there. You can have two feelings about this place. You want to go back there or you just don't. Were you eager collecting the funds to get there again or you rather not? Everything we do we need effort. Maybe, there's no one out there for you. Maybe, you are fated to be like this. I don't know. Fate? I thought we are the the writers of our own story? Isn't fate is what we make today that results in the end?

What's wrong in looking out? I never see that as being desperate to love. Nothing comes your way as magic or miracle waiting to happen. There's no rushing as well, it's not like jumping on the next wagon that could bring you to nowhere. It's like waiting for the right wagon, if there is, while enjoying where ever you are. But if you don't look out and wait, chances are you will never leave the place you are in now. Not that it's bad. Ultimately, it's your choice.

I am just saying a one time failure should not ends you in that. I know it's not easy to love either but never put it as too hard to comprehend. Maybe I'm too simple minded, but love is suppose to be an act you do to show to someone that you care. Other elements you just need to judge for yourself if it's worth to take another step down in professing your love.

Well, just my two cents' worth.

March 29, 2008 2:00 PM  
Blogger Tin Soldier said...

What I've expressed might give you the wrong impression that I'm making myself a victim of circumstance, but there are limits that a man must observe when a girl puts her foot down and tells you thus far, no further. There are times when you can tell a no is a no and not a maybe, and mine was it.

I would be lying to say that I've made my peace and I'm alright to move on now, after such a long time. But gloomy as it might sound, living with a pity ain't so bad either. It's like wearing a scar that reminds you of the battles you fought in - and to me it was indeed a battle to tame the passion for the sake of the will as my last act of chivalry to the person I loved, who acknowledged my love but kindly refused it.

Therefore I saw myself lucky to live with pity but not regrets.

March 29, 2008 3:04 PM  
Anonymous shay said...

I don't know the story of the person that you loved, and how greatly it scarred you. Yeah, one great love is sufficient enough. I know one person who failed in a relationship and fear to love again. Consumed with too much hurt and afraid to put the heart out for the next battle might be overwhelming one soul could take.

Even after the hurt is gone, the scar remains, exactly how you put it, "wearing a scar that reminds you of the past battle.."

If I am afraid, I know I could not go far. If I stop to love another time after the big heartache, I might end up bitter. Pity is okay but not bitter.

Perhaps I am a person who never fail to trust, a person that is willing to take the hurt until I can't be hurt no more. But I can't lie right? No one is made of steel. Hurt resurfaces when past flashes in front of you. The betrayal. Everything. I see no point frowning. I see smiling is the only way I could save myself some happiness. And perhaps pity too.

I wish with my whole heart that you could find someone to share your life with. And even if that fails or you just don't want to do it anymore(like what you said in last comment), fret not. No one has to go through the same stages of life.

Thus, I hope you don't interpret the comments as trying to ask you to seek love in regards of your entry. I made this comment because I know you could make someone love you, not everyone, but someone. I truly sorry that someone wasn't from the past anymore. You need to know you are a great guy. And a great guy like you, is very much missed because he hides himself too much. So don't make pity last, because at times I pitied myself too.You have great friends, life's good, really.

And hey, I am not trying to advise or teach you anything, but really, I am telling myself when I type this. (Shay, you have good life, don't wallow in pity, ok?)

See. I self-talk myself nowadays. And I know I am very long winded. Sorry about that. :)

March 29, 2008 8:54 PM  
Blogger Tin Soldier said...

A conversation with you is always nourishing, Shay. You don't have to disclaim anything.

Maybe you're right that I hide myself too much. But I think it's not a result of my less-than-ideal experience with love. I'm more like you in the sense that even after the so-called "scarring", I tend to still stow hope away in a secret drawer somewhere, ever ready to pull it out again and put it on under the sun. You might not be able to tell that because my problem with hiding, I believe, is a common disease shared by all men: we are hopeless when it comes to expressing our emotions (whereas on the other hand most women find it hard to hold theirs back!).

As for a future mate, who can tell? While I never shunned hope and am the furthest away from closing my files on love, I've learned not to speak too much in future tense - now that could be a byproduct of unrequited love!

March 30, 2008 1:01 AM  
Blogger *adelaine said...

gosh TS, i love you. not in the way where it is lustful or sexual, but fondly and dearly.. with great admiration for your mind and heart.

I am sure you love god in a non-lustful way too (or at least i think im sure) but does that make ur love any less meaningful or valuable?

plenty of people love you, your family, friends .. with a love that will not fade when your looks are gone or cheat on you when you are not looking..

relationship with a girl (or boy) does not guarantee love, just lust or responsibility and the urge of not wanting to be alone.

it is the most pitiful life when you have the best looking spouse and strings of gfs but people thing you are an asshole!

April 03, 2008 6:55 PM  
Blogger Tin Soldier said...

It isn't half-bad, my dear Adelaine, really! Maybe I should tone down on the melancholy or the heading next time. When I wrote all that I was really nowhere near depressed.

No you're right, my love for God (if ever it exists) isn't sexual. But rather than diminishing all other kinds of loves in my life - which have been aplenty - I was merely summing up my life thus far (or rather my love life or the lack thereof).

In a way that I hope won't further mislead my loving and supportive friends out there reading this, I think I'm secretly enjoying the sorrows of unrequited love. When I said enjoy I don't mean loving it or even embracing it fatefully. Anyone who's been mourning for a love lost knows it's no fun. But given time, there is an afterglow in lost that is almost poetic in its remembering, usually that's when poetry is born - in the "blood-remembering" as German poet Rilke put it. I've long passed mourning and at this stage it's just acts of poetry-making, which is just one way of recording past events that are only beginning to be intelligible when viewed in retrospect.

I hope this makes you and Shay feel relieved about my conditions. I might have mourned in the past but I'm alright now. If ever you guys detect traces of the blues off me, it's just that darned poet in me remembering and distilling. Don't go searching for my suicide notes.

One caveat though. I'm no greater a guy than the next one. Most times I'm worse and I'm glad most of my friends don't have to put up with that. Only pity my housemates.

April 04, 2008 9:43 AM  
Anonymous shay said...

Ya, I pitied them. Hehe. No comments from them yet so I guess it's still safe to put that "I'm a great guy" caption. Haha!

Being a poet and all, you will greatly be misunderstood so just bear with your readers. That shouldn't restrict your writings though. Don't you enjoy the "loso" talk? :B

April 04, 2008 11:02 PM  
Blogger *adelaine said...

we care, therefore we worry ^^,

and i'm sure ur housemates thinks ur tops too..

we must catch up in person soon! miss u lots >.<

April 07, 2008 12:58 PM  
Anonymous Amy said...

Love can come in the most unexpected of places, tin soldier.

I admire your heart that's set on the heart of another. But to be honest, involving yourself in something unattainable sometimes add to the lure of the chase, no? The idea of being with another stays strong because it is unrequited, and one that is full of possibilities. If only imagined.

When a heart is occupied, will it allow another soul in? Someone else who is ready enough and someone you can grow to love?

The only pity in life then was that you were too blind to see what is in front of you, because you were too busy looking back.

April 08, 2008 6:57 PM  
Blogger Tin Soldier said...

Shay I have to say you were a bit loso there... in a good way though... I love your insights and it's always good to agree with someone who agrees with me!!

I miss spending time with you Adelaine, even from way back in school when we used to enjoy exercising and abusing authority and set bad examples for our juniors... and you did ruin my life by initiating me in a debate competition with you. I've been obsessed with words ever since. Unpardonable.

Hi Amy, there's no rebutting your point. I have to concur that unattainable fruits always seem the sweetest. But I gotta tell you, from what I find, that though yours is a good advice, nobody really completely gets over a love lost, eager though they might be to turn a new page in life (I know I'm definitely a guilelessly eager one).

When it comes to this funny thing called love, reason is outlawed. To tell a person that there's someone else out there and the future could get better is akin to telling a mother mourning for a lost baby that there is a million others being born. I always find it cruel for those attending funerals to try to say something to comfort the mourners. The only help they could give is to join in the mourning.

Though, as Solomon said, there's a time for everything under the sun, and mourning will not last forever, only those who have hurt can comfort the hurting.

April 09, 2008 1:54 AM  
Blogger *adelaine said...

oh my dear.. those school days were the best.. i must admit we are bad bad bad seniors.... :( me more than u... hahah

but if tainting you with a love of words was my fault, i'd gladly take blame :)

May 02, 2008 9:22 PM  

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